16 Teens Every Church Youth Group Needs...

I must admit, this is not wholly original to me. Although it is pretty funny.

Fifteen teens every church youth group needs...

1. The guy that owns a Jeep. When I was in high school I rotated between hating this guy and desperately wanting to be this guy. I don’t know how he got it but when I was getting dropped off by my mom in a white Pontiac Transport this guy was screaming into the parking lot in a rugged looking Jeep. I don't care who you are, having a Jeep in high school is like having a space shuttle. Who wants to ride with you & your mom in a minivan when they could be riding in the jeep!

2. The kid that hates God but got forced to attend because of his parents. Don’t try to get this guy to play any youth group games, speak up during discussions or not kick the bucket of orange drink over when no one is looking. Ugh! I wouldn't even be here but my parents keep making me come. As soon as this guy gets his driver's license you'll never see him again. Or he'll become a Christian in what is a really touching transformation process. This one could go both ways. In the meantime, don't look for a close friendship with him if you are a Christian... he thinks Christians are the enemy!

3. The ridiculously beautiful girl that doesn't know it. This girl is a lot of fun right up until the moment that you go to a camp or event where other youth groups are gathered and every guy on the church district hits on her. Even though you're not dating her and she's told you the dreaded "you're like a brother to me" there's a part of you that thinks, "I wish all those guys from that other church would stop bothering her." (And by bothering I mean, "making her laugh and have a good time" two things that you are apparently incapable of.)

4. One obnoxious pastor's kid that thinks he's a celebrity. I need to do a whole post on pastor's kids, but for now, let me just say that every youth group needs one who kind of thinks he's a celebrity. He's contextually famous, which just means a handful of people know who he is because his dad is the pastor but sometimes he acts like he's some sort of superstar. He knows how to walk, talk, laugh, and always what to say in the context of youth group, youth camp, or youth convention. Others in the youth group may aggravate his condition, but only because he's a celebrity in that context. At school (if not at a private school) he is just another kid to them. But this pastor's kid is just waiting for youth meeting at church!

5. The kid that wears shorts in the winter. It might be 10 degrees outside, but he'd have a coat on and a pair of basketball shorts. Makes no sense, but he will become almost combative if you try to pinned him to the statement: "I am cold, since it is below freezing and I only have on a pair of shorts." You might wonder if he even has any long pants until you spot him at school (which has a dress code) and realize he has shorts on under his long pants.

6. The guy that somehow got ordained at the age of 13. You need at least one "mini-pastor" in training. The junior high doesn't offer seminary classes, but for some reason, this guy has a deep theological understanding of all things Bible. He's not going to be the best person to take on a late night youth group prank, but he's going to be awesome at helping you find Biblical reasons to support why the town should forgive you for that prank. He's not the guy to choose if you're going to play a little ball, but you definitely need to pick him if you're playing a little "Sword drill."

7. The group of people you'll talk to at youth group but pretend you don't know at school. I think teenagers today are more secure than I was but back in the day, there were definitely, "youth group friends" and "in the hallway at school" friends. And when they accidentally collided together before math class it was always kind of a sweaty experience. We used to have a Bible study before school when I was a freshman and we'd all walk together to our first class and then immediately when we touched our feet onto school property we scattered in the halls like acne covered marbles that didn’t know each other. Good times.

8. That dude with an acoustic guitar. You know, the guy that, at the drop of hat, has to pull out his guitar and start playing. It's like spontaneous praise or something. Dude, you know who you are. Stop.

9. The guy whose girlfriend goes to church, so he's there too. Don't get use to him coming to youth group. There is a 95% chance that if she dumps him; you'll never see him again. Enjoy him while he's there, but know he's not coming for you or Jesus... just her.

10. The cool kids from school that come to youth group for a brief period of time. This is rare, but definitely a good experience. The cool kid starts coming out of nowhere. You're just all sitting there one night at youth group and the cool person from school walks in. Everyone is kind of in awe and hopes, maybe vainly, that the cool kid would sit by them. Eventually the cool kid realizes that the youth group is not helping their coolness, it's hindering it, and moves on. But oh it was wonderful while it lasted. (Warning: When the cool kid leaves, a new wave of dorkiness will envelope the youth group like a storm moving onto the horizon.)

11. The kid that passes gas all the time. Hate this kid. Hate getting placed on the same retreat van with him. Hate getting placed in the same cabin with him. Hate sitting near him at youth group. Still thought he was kind of funny though. (This kid may be part of the reason a #10 would leave your group.)

12. The 'Dare' kid. Whatever you dare him or her to do, they'll do! Want them to eat a cockroach you found in the youth room? Dare them to do it. They will eat anything to make a scene. The'll also do almost anything within reason. (Note: It may cost you a dollar or two, but it will be worth it.) (Warning: In church, if you make the dare and the person gets in trouble, you will take the fall too.)

13. The 'refuse-to-move' on kid. This kid is actually 21 years old, but refuses to move on out of the youth group. They still feel like and act like a 15 year old. They are usually males and the thrive on attention from 13 year old girls. (Not healthy either.) Some of them end up becoming youth pastors... not so much because they are called, but more because they can't fit in with people their own age anymore. They like to be called teen 'helpers.'

14. The 'van' kid. The church van went and picked up him and his little sister every week. Everyone else knew that he and his sister were the 'harvest field.' They often didn't smell good, look cool, or know that 'Jesus' is the correct answer to anything the youth pastor asked. Every so often the van kid grows up to be a church adult. Usually, they end up being the end of gossip when they get pregnant at 15 or start doing drugs with their parents.

15. The 'push-the-envelope' kid. Tattoos, piercings, wild/colored hair is standard for this guy. He gets a neon green Mohawk and immediately come to youth group meeting to 'test' it on everyone. They thrive on social rejection and a pinch of fear from other youth group members. If you ignore their outrageous antics, they'll leave the group. So say things to them often like: "Don't you think that spiked collar would look better on your rottweiler?" or "Is that new tattoo on your arm Jesus or Bob Marley?"

16. The church jester. This is the guy or gal that cannot be serious. They must have everyone laughing at all times. They are fueled by the laughter of the masses. Two church jesters in the same youth group can be a volatile situation. They will cease to be jester and begin to be assassins trying to 'get' the other.